Assuming the Worst

I was chatting with one of my best friends the other day about marriage woes. Specifically, the difficulty of giving one another the benefit of the doubt. Like, that being our default when we interact with one another rather than assuming the worst. Seems simple, right? Yeah, no. Not always.

The beginning of 2018 was rough for Q and I. Like, really rough. Maybe I'll share more at some point, but for now just know that it was ROUGH. Once the dust settled, and we were able to talk through some of our issues, we both realized that our challenges were rooted in 2 things: 1) we were clearly operating in our flesh and, as a result, 2) our default is to NOT give each other the benefit of the doubt. This revelation wasn't new though. We have both known this for awhile, but it just seemed so much more clear this time. So I began to ask myself "why?" among other questions. Why do I assume the worst when it comes to his intentions? Do I think he's a bad person? Do I think he's out to get me? Does he gain anything by being at odds with me? When my mind is clear and I'm allowing the Spirit to lead, the answer to these questions is usually "no".

So, why is this marriage thing so damn hard at times and why is my default to assume the worst? I guess the better question is how do I re-train my mind and heart to default to believing the best?

First things first is digging in and figuring out HOW we got to the place where our default is to assume the worst. Here is a pretty simple explanation:

"When it comes to marriage, we often allow certain behaviors of our spouse to become absolute predictors of the future. Unfortunately, when spouses allow these attitudes to be their primary lenses, eventually they see almost every action of their spouse with a negative bias. When occurring frequently, trust becomes broken in the mind of the perceiver, which in turn results in weakened confidence and commitment in the marriage.

Now, you may think this process occurs fairly quickly. The fact is, it begins with one negative assumption and, like a frog in a melting pot, Satan methodically encourages us to stock pile our negative assumptions and then patiently waits for our marriage to become fragmented. The antidote is pretty simple. Assume positive intentions for your spouse."

So with that, the next time we are faced with a conflict (or how about the next time we see each other, because let's be honest, it's typically the small day to day stuff that turns into big, dramatic misunderstandings), I am committing to take a step back, assess the situation, ask clarifying questions, and offer support. Chances are he had a bad day at work or the kids are being annoying (or both) and his response or mood really had nothing to do with me to begin with. I also need to commit 1 John 5:14-15 to memory with the confidence that whatever I ask - including a renewed mind and PATIENCE - He does hear me and will honor my request.

I KNOW this will be a process (because I am raggedy and prideful and don't like to be wrong), so stay tuned for more revelations. But I'm hopeful and grateful for the direction we're heading.