Just Between Us

6th grade, for me, was the beginning of several years of pure torture. Middle and high school sucked. In hindsight, I know that my own poor decisions were the cause of such a crappy adolescence. I was painfully insecure and lacked serious motivation. 

My relationship with my parents, especially my mom, was very strained during those years. My mom grew up in a single parent household and was always pretty independent and responsible. She grew up in the projects in Chicago and saw a lot of hard things happen to good people, including drugs and teen pregnancy. So, while I was raised in a very different environment, my mom ruled with an iron fist to ensure my brother and I stayed on the straight and narrow. Her parenting style was very much "do it because I said so". The problem was, as a teenager, I was something like a bull in a china shop. I was trying to find my way and that parenting style just wasn't jiving with my rebellious ways. 

As an adult and mom of 3 daughters (one who is now a pre-teen in 6th grade) I realize that the missing link for me was communication. As a young girl, I didn't really have conversations with my mom. We never talked about boys (other than her telling me to stay away from them), we never talked about sex (other than her telling me to abstain until marriage), we never really talked about my insecurities, we never talked THROUGH much of anything. Does that make sense? I realize now that she likely didn't have conversations with her mom about those hard topics so she didn't know to have them with me. 

My bonus kid is in the thick of middle school. She comes home every day talking about girl and boy crushes (including her own crush on some boy named Aries),  her friend who is a lesbian, and what she wants to be when she grows up (a speech pathologist if her dream of being a professional gymnast doesn't pan out). She even dropped a colossal sized bomb on us yesterday as she casually mentioned a boy she goes to school with (who also apparently goes to our church) who watches porn. My hubby and I were shocked. PORN. WTH?! We were so unprepared to discuss that topic with her. And whyyyyyyy are kids talking about porn at school? Just, why? Ugh.

But the thing is time is closing in on us. She will be 12 in less than a month. And before we know it, she will be 18. Her peers are so influential right now and, she doesn't realize it, but believing much of what other 12 year olds say is truly like the blind leading the blind. So, we can either face these topics as they come AND even initiate some of the topics, or we run the risk of our kid figuring life out on her own--often the hard, WRONG way. Do I want to talk to my 6th grader about sex and porn? Hell no. But do I have a choice? No, I really don't. It must happen. While those conversations are insanely uncomfortable, I want her to always know she can talk to us--to me--about anything. 

To further complicate matters, although I've known Kendall since she was around 18 months old, we still struggle in our relationship a bit. She has lived with us full-time for almost 3 years, but prior to that, she was with her mom full-time and with us every other weekend. This is absolutely not a bio mom bashing post but, let me tell you, things were rough in the years leading up to us being granted primary custody. The transition from a very chaotic home and school life to rules and structure was hard on all of us and we're still dealing with the effects of life with her mom. Despite all of my efforts to make her feel loved + included, I think she still often feels like the "step" kid. She asks a lot of silly, random questions because it puts the spotlight on her and I get it--she just wants a little attention. She wants to be noticed. And it's irritating but I don't blame her.

I was doing some unnecessary shopping on Amazon one day and stumbled on a book called Just Between Us, which is a shared journal for moms and daughters. It includes fun writing prompts and journal pages for either of us to share whatever is on our minds. It has really opened up the lines of communication between us. She is finding the courage to write things down when she's not quite sure how to bring them to me in person. And this method of communication is great for me because it gives me an opportunity to think through my response and, ultimately, point her back to God in all things. 

If you are struggling to connect with your daughter--or maybe you just want to be proactive in this area BEFORE it becomes a point of tension, I highly recommend this journal.

Cheers to open, consistent, trusting, and loving conversations (or journal entries) with our girls!