I am exhausted emotionally and physically. On a scale of 1-10 (1 being horrible and 10 being the most patient person ever), I would rate myself a big fat zero in the patience department. Impatient with my husband, impatient with myself, impatient with work...just plain impatient.
So let's just cut to the chase...I am spiritually depleted. It's crazy and, frankly, disappointing that I have to get to a place of sheer exhaustion and annoyance before I realize the reason why I'm so empty. I am not seeking God daily. I start each day running around like a crazy woman instead of spending a few quiet moments with Him...in prayer and in Scripture. I'm not calling on Him in moments of exhaustion and irritation. I find myself doing more talking, griping and complaining than praying for discernment and direction.
I'm simply dealing with day to day stuff that we all deal with. So the thing that scares me the most is something happening...some real tragedy, heart break, storm...that will require me to draw strength from the Lord. And how much harder that trial or storm would be given that I'm empty. With an empty tank, there would be nothing to draw from. Nothing.
As I reflect on the past year, I can easily recall all of the AMAZING and undeserved blessings that have come my way. A good husband, health, a new home, a precious healthy baby, a great career...the list goes on. The audacity of me to not thank Him DAILY for all of that...and so much more.
I want to do better. I will do better. In Jesus name.
2013 was a busy and trying year for us. In a year's time, we found out we were pregnant, we bought a home, and we had a baby. Often times, rather than draw closer together to work things out and communicate to make sure we're on the same page, we became each other's enemy...consuming ourselves with winning the fight. We always eventually come back together but I wonder why we don't first choose oneness rather than going through a difficult storm THEN coming together. I must remember that if one of us loses, we both lose.
|Hubby & I headed to his work Christmas party|
I love my sweet daughter...she requires so much of me right now...so I tend to spend most of my energy loving and nurturing her. And in the mean time, I know my hubby is feeling neglected. So in the new year, I vow to prioritize and honor him. I need to remember that in 18+ years when the kid(s) are gone, it'll just be us. I need to nurture "us" along the way so we aren't looking at each other years from now trying to figure out why we don't know or like one another.
It's funny...when I was pregnant, I kept waiting for these feelings of love for my daughter to consume me. It even took me a day or two after she was born for the two of us to click. She came out and I remember feeling excited and overwhelmed...but the love came later. I mean...I felt like I loved her but I had NO idea that I would literally fall in deep love with her.
Being a mother has brought so much joy to my world. It's like I don't even remember my life before she came along. No wait...yes I do. It was filled with busyness. I was always on the go. So having her has made me slow down. And just enjoy being home.
Being a mother is such an important job. My hope and prayer is that I'll be a good steward over her little life. That I would set an example for her of a godly woman, wife, and mother. Raising her up to know, love, and fear the Lord. Yep...that's my prayer.
Speaking of motherhood, let's talk for a second about Kendall...my stepdaughter.
|Kendall & I enjoying some hot cocoa on a Sunday afternoon|
Kendall is an extremely smart and sassy 7-year-old. She's an extrovert...not afraid to try new things and would probably talk to a fly if it would talk back to her. She's very artistic, loves music, and is already such a little fashionista. So many things to love about her yet I tend to focus on the aspects of her personality that I don't care for so much. Any time you have a blended family situation, there are going to be influences...environments, people, things...that the other parent (and stepparent) doesn't agree with. But it's never the child's fault. Never. Being a blended family is hard for us...but I know it has to be even harder for her. I know how important my influence can be when we do spend time with her...and I want to use my influence for good. I desire to be someone Kendall can trust and someone she can look up to. And not the mean ol' stepmother that is always on her about everything.
I just have to remember to take one day at a time. And make time for her. Time to celebrate her and all of the beautiful and interesting things about her. And like Ryann, I desire to set an example for her of a godly woman, wife, and mother. Raising her up to know, love, and fear the Lord.
This is an exciting season for many of my friends. This year has brought new babies, new homes, and new jobs for some of our closest friends.
|Baby Ryann & her new friend, baby Gabby|
This year has also been trying for many of our friends....job loss and death among the hardest trials.
Through the good and the bad, I want to be there for my friends. Just like marriage and motherhood, friendships have to be nurtured. I pray all of my friendships continue to grow and that I would be the kind of friend that makes others feel important and loved.
When I became pregnant, I was pretty excited about styling my baby bump. Months 3-6 were fun...the baby bump was still "cute" then. And then I kept gaining weight. And more weight. And nearly 45 pounds later, the only thing I wanted to wear were yoga pants and my hubby's t-shirts.
|Headed to dinner with the ladies|
Outfit inspiration here
Early on, much of this blog's focus was around fashion and my personal style. Since I've lost most of my baby weight, I'm thinking it's time to get back out there...putting fun outfits together and showcasing them here on the blog. I have to say that I envy mom bloggers who seem to have time to be a wife, mom, work a full-time job, AND put on clothes, take pics, and blog about their outfit of the day. Seriously...who has time to do all of that?! Anyway, I adore clothes, shoes, and all things girly, so I'm hoping to bring that back to the blog more often.
Well...work is work. I'm grateful for a job. A good paying job at that. Not much more to say on that except that I need to be more positive and encouraging in the workplace...a light. Rather than allow myself to get sucked in to the gossip and complaining that comes along with my profession and the constant change that seems to be happening with my company.
I'm excited for the new year. With a new year comes a desire to start fresh, to be better, mend relationships, get in shape, etc, etc. I do want to set some goals for the year. Not as many as I set (and failed at) this year. Just a few. And I want to make some much needed changes to the blog...refocus a little. So I hope you'll stick with me.
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