Dear Bio Mom

I thought long and hard about whether or not I wanted to write (and post) this because my pride says that you don't deserve a mention around these (blog) parts. BUT, you know what? I decided that I needed to share this for me - and maybe to encourage a fellow stepmom. And maybe even you if you ever read this.

So, let's cut to the chase.

I'm hella pissed off at you. And frustrated. Really frustrated. When I signed up for this stepmom gig almost 9 years ago, I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. I assumed that I would be the other woman in your daughter's life - her dad's wife. Not her mom. I never set out to be her mom. I never wanted to take your place. Rather, I wanted to be a support system for her - another adult she could trust to love and guide her. Because, after all, it takes a village, right?

You have done some petty + ugly things to my husband over the years, and have been the source of a few sleepless nights (but not many because I don't lose sleep over much), several arguments, and thousands of dollars in legal fees; however, the worse and most heartbreaking part in all of this is the impact this has had on your daughter.

You rarely call, you are not engaged in her daily life, and you don't spend quality time with her when she is with you. But why though? What stops you from pursuing a relationship with the child you birthed? Do you not think she deserves more of you? Have you considered the impact your absence will have on her as a teenager + young woman?

It's not that I don't want to be an active participant in rearing her, because I do. I want the best for her. I long to see her beat the odds stacked against her. I want to see her rise above her past + current struggles. I want her to know and follow Jesus. It's just that having given birth twice, I struggle to understand how a woman - or man, for that matter - could abandon their child. As crazy as this sounds, I would almost rather you hate me and give me grief than be absent in her life.

There have been times when I felt compassion toward you. The unimaginable losses you've experienced. The struggles you had as a single mom. Hell, just being a black woman trying to find her place in this chaotic world. But even with all of that, shouldn't we strive to be the best version of ourselves every single day for our babies? Of course, being willing to cut ourselves some slack since perfection is not expected or attainable.

At the end of the day, she needs YOU. So pick up the phone when she calls. Don't wait until your weekend to treat her to dinner for having a great day at school. Talk to her about her dreams and aspirations. Make your weekends with her about her. Stop making promises you never intended to keep. Encourage her. Know her. Pray for her.

Listen, I will always be there for her. Always. And if you never change course, I'll be OK. And I'm sure she'll be OK, too. But I will never be able to replace you.